whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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