I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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