worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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