i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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