I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
