The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
