so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
