I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
