I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
