my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
