dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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