My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
