my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
