you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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