my mouth tastes like poor choices
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
