You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize