A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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