I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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