Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
its liver damage thursday
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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