My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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