First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
we should paint friendship bongs
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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