I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
