my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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