Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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