I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
