my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
