Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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