Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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