all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Text me some of your sweat
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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