Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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