I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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