I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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