You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
