We're like a lot better than the average bears
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
