my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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