My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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