Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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