Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
