marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
