Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
