apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
