so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
