I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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