This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
