Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
