Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
