I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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