so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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