After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
