I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
