Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He keeps bees of course he's weird
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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