Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
