Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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