I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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