The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm both gender and math confused
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize